Why I finished my book and started injecting straight away
IT’S barely a fortnight since I stopped typing. The book isn’t even available for general purchase yet.
Yet, here I’ve been since Sunday, injecting myself three times a day.
While the publication process of Poolhall – Jail – Library has admittedly caused some stress, do not fear – it isn’t what it seems.
Today (Thursday) I am set to undergo a stem cell harvesting procedure that could last up to six or seven hours.
One arm gets hooked up to a machine, it filters my blood and skims off the stem cells, then returns it to my other arm. It’s a continuous cycle.
Hopefully, it will help extend the life of someone suffering from leukaemia who I’ve never met.
In preparation for the procedure I’ve had to self-administer three syringes a day of GCSF, a build-up concoction that stimulates my bone marrow to produce an elevated number of stem cells and release them into the bloodstream.
The side effects are not extreme. They rate somewhere alongside a mild flu.
You get some headaches, some soreness in your lower back and legs, a slightly increased sense of irritability, and the strangest sleep patterns.
At my age, truthfully, it is not too different to the aches and pains I would experience on a normal day.
They haven’t been a major inconvenience.
There’s a lot of serendipity between completing Poolhall – Jail – Library and being selected to undergo this process.
It’s no secret the book deals with some gloomy topics, including experiencing suicide from a number of vantage points.
However, there is also an upswing to the story when certain things fall into place and life gains a much greater sense of purpose.
As someone who felt suicidal on a daily basis for 15 years, but has learnt to treat every day as an opportunity for the 15 years since, there’s something fitting about where I find myself today.
Rather than being someone who doesn’t see a point in life, I’m now sincerely wishing I can extend the existence of whoever receives my stem cells.
I’ve had more than a few surreal moments in writing this book. It’s been almost a daily occurrence.
The number of times I have written about something in a particular chapter, only to then have it pop up again in my daily activities has been plentiful.
Moments in the compilation of Poolhall – Jail – Library which have stuck in my mind have included the two times long-time friends felt entrusted to share their own previously-concealed suicidal thoughts.
I was still partway through the writing phase when this happened, and I’m glad the air was considered clear enough that these people could approach me and ease their burden somewhat.
There are some notable books I mention in the narrative of Poolhall – Jail – Library that I related to and helped switch my thinking on suicide.
However, there are another two – Victor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning and Paulo Coelho’s Veronika Decides to Die – that didn’t make the cut and deserve to be acknowledged in some way.
If my book helps anybody in a similar situation feel a sense of empathy or understanding, that’s the end goal.
Another thing that has happened during the compilation of this book has been reconnecting with a select group of people from my past – positive people.
They’ve helped confirm a lot of my own memories and perspectives.
I was a weird kid. I did go through a fair few tribulations. But a lot of the responses to these situations were justified, understandable.
They’ve reassured me there is a story worth telling underneath it all.
Life can take you in many different directions.
And it’s never too late to allow yourself to give birth to a new reality.